Letter Twenty-five | 12/14 | Russ

Portland

Dear Lack,

This week I’ve fallen into a routine: I wake up just before 7am, slip out of bed, don something warm, fill a water bottle, lace up my worn-out running shoes, and walk to Wilshire Park, about thirty blocks away. When I get there, I do a little dynamic stretching, and then I start running around the edges of the green space. I do three laps. After I finish, I walk home, and I feel like my day can begin.

Until I moved to Portland at the beginning of 2018, the city felt enveloped in a special aura. Maybe it’s because we made it special. The road trips to soccer matches, basketball games, concerts, 24-hour coffee shops, Zupan’s, and Powell’s hold a feeling that I can only describe as happy. Was I a happier person back then? Certainly not. But I was definitely less critical, less cynical, and also less responsible. And so—like you mentioned in your last letter, my attachments to things in this world have also changed.

You talk about how the changes in your “political commitments” have impacted your identity. For me it’s exactly the same. Who I am, the media I interact with, my profession: all are linked to the change in my own political commitments. I only started to become politically aware in my mid-twenties. Before that, I used the fact I was personally unaffected by certain political shifts or decisions as an excuse to avoid engaging or thinking politically: I wasn’t a citizen of the United States, I couldn’t vote, so why care? Talk about privilege. 

I’ve already spoken a great deal about language, how having the proper words to express how I feel has allowed me to interact with and critique some of the injustices I see in the world, to become more politically aware. For me this is freeing. I enjoy the conversations, the reading. It feels good to know more things. Maybe this is the greatest benefit of aging. To, as you say, be able to put a name to things.

But with this freedom (apologies, I know you hate the word) comes an exhaustion. I constantly need to stave off self-doubt, the feeling that I haven’t made the right decisions in life (people will say that you don’t need to figure things out at our age, but that doesn’t really offer any relief). During my mornings outdoors, I can’t help but look at the houses in NE Portland, houses I’ll never be able to afford, and think: Man, it would be nice to have something like that. But why do I feel that way? Is it because my entire life has been spent living under capitalist hegemony that has made me think property ownership is good? Probably. Do I recognize that this is wrong? Yes. Then why does it remain so difficult to exorcise the desires? I don’t have the answer to that question. 

I hope we continue to work on this project together for the rest of our lives. More than anything, this Cup’s iteration of end to end has made me think more. The hours I’ve spent writing have been difficult and frustrating and even painful. But I also think facing those challenges and thinking critically is what’s made this experience wonderful. (I’ve spent the last thirty minutes typing and deleting that last paragraph over and over again. It feels unsatisfactory. But I’m going to leave it as is and move on.)

Before I sign off, I suppose it’s important to mention the semi-final match between France/Morocco. I watched with Zach, which was, of course, delightful. The match itself, however, was somewhat of a disappointment. It was choppy. There were too many fouls, too many stoppages of play. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think the match would’ve been better had the referee issued more cards. Maybe then players wouldn’t have felt they had license to stall any attack and play would’ve been smoother? I don’t know.

France were dominant. Morocco created a few exciting moments with lackluster results (the attempted bicycle kick was audacious, but I could’ve done without the hundreds of stepovers in the buildup when a pass across the face of goal was so clearly the better option). Regardless, I’m still so pleased that they made it as far as they did. I also think the forthcoming Croatia/Morocco third-place match on Saturday will be excellent. Go Morocco!

What more can be said about France/Argentina? The focus will, of course, be on Mbappe and Messi. I think both of our allegiances lie with the latter.

I can’t wait.

Much love, 

Russ